Since when I was a young kid, I have admired and thought about my creator, his love, and his passion, how he is and desire to see him, at first I was rebellious because I thought he didn’t care about me, no matter what happened, what I wanted, he just sat high up not bothered with what I was going through.
With time my rebelliousness grew as I craved for his love and affection, but never connected with him, I never bothered praying or even making Dua to him. To me, he was a long distant entity far beyond my reach.
For me, he was just someone who says “Call upon me, and I will respond” but never really does. He is never there when I need him when he says I’m All Seeing, All hearing, what does that account for?
But what I didn’t realize was that I never tried to connect with him, I never extended my hand towards the sky asking him with complete conviction to respond. How can I expect an answer when I was not even dialing the number.
I didn’t spread my hand in the air asking him because deep down I never trusted him, nobody taught me to trust him, like trusting him blindly, just hold his hand and cross this ocean, you won’t even feel there is no ground beneath.
It all happened when I was done with being unconnected with him, or may be I should say it was indeed his mercy of showing me he isn’t that far away from the way I presumed. It was his way of telling me when I feel I don’t connect with anybody, I connect with him, and that is what needed the most because when you have him in your heart, that peace is so surreal and calming you feel you can take on the world with just him being on your side, which in reality is actually true. We need only him to live, to survive, every other thing has its replacement, but nothing can replace him. He is irreplaceable, The Most loving.
And I have known his love, felt his warmth, felt like crying on his shoulder and he would tuck me in making me feel, it’s all going to be okay.
He opened his doors of love for me, when I was resentful at him, that he didn’t care, he doesn’t listen. So rebelling against him ( not knowing I was going towards him) I made a dua asking him, if what you say is true, you have to answer me, and make it happen on my conditions, I know I was being foolish, not for actually asking him, but for asking him to make it happen according to my given conditions and clauses, but to my amazement, he did that too. He not only fulfilled my Dua but he made it happen in the exact way I asked him. Showing me (an angry, stubborn child), it doesn’t matter what the conditions are, nothing is a problem for him. He will answer no matter what it is, you should just be willing to ask him. That’s all he is asking, sometimes it’s not even necessary to ask, he even hears the unsaid words giving me those things when I least expect them.
Then I fell in love and loved so hard, nothing could make me happy but him. I was so happy and satisfied, nothing ever bothered me, issues of any kind, big or small, I feared none. I knew I just had to talk to Allah and he will fix it. The disappointments and loneliness I felt growing up were long gone as if they never existed. I could take on the world knowing he is on my back. The world just seemed so beautiful with him on my side, I couldn’t ask for more.
I used to make dua and forget about it not being answered, I always knew he will respond, he always did, not responding was out of question, though I had stopped asking him to make it on my conditions because I was mature enough to know things should happen in his way and not mine, though I still forget it sometimes but I trust him. Once I knew I was going to fail in my physics board exam because something personal had happened and I couldn’t prepare because of being emotionally unstable, but just two, three hours before the exam my friend Noori called me and convinced me to just go through first two-three chapters if I can, rest she will help me in cheating because her Roll No. was after me so she was supposed to sit on my back.
I roughly went through the chapters and the stuff I had revised which I merely remembered throughout the year, I knew I was going to fail, which would have been a big shame on my educational career because I never failed but I was prepared for the worst and I even told my parents about it and they couldn’t argue more because they were stressed too.
Straight heading to my school for the exam, when I reached the exam class for that day, I knew there was no possibility of me passing that paper. My row was first from the wall and I had the last seat on that row, which meant behind me was a wall as well and Noori was on the first seat of the next row. So it had turned out that to my left was a wall, to my right was no one because roll numbers ended, and before I was the dullest and incompetent student of the class, so I knew my boat was meant to sink.
I took my seat with my head held high, the exam started and I received the question paper. To my surprise there were questions from the chapters I had roughly looked through in the morning, I thanked Noori in my heart (which I owe it to her till today for forcing me to study) and with best intentions at my heart I attempted every possible question I could opt for and answer in the best way so that even by getting one or two marks they would hopefully sum up to something that would get me enough marks to pass this paper, because at that moment I realized, no matter how much I showed that I don’t care about getting fail in an exam, deep down I regretted why an event had such an over powering effect on me that I was ruining my excellent educational career.
So I attempted all the questions and when I was done and time was almost up and I had taken a lot of time of making answers up to the best of my ability, I read Ayat ul Kursi, blew it on the paper and gave it to the invigilator. I don’t know why it came to my mind to read that, it’s not considered any kind of study wazeefa but just to calm my restless heart may be I did that because I didn’t know what else to do.
I came home and then started the journey of my blind faith in Allah, telling him it’s just in your hands, I know it’s my fault to let something external take control over me but its just you who can pass me in this exam. I kept asking him consistently for three months leading up to the result day to pass me, knowing that he will and he did. We used to check our board results online before receiving them from the school, so when I was checking for my result my heart was beating so fast that it would jump out of my mouth as my eyes stared the computer screen loading the result ever so slowly, and what appeared on the screen was the magic of Allah saying that you called so I responded. So keep calling me and I will keep responding until the day you see me.
He made everything so easy and things happen so subtly despite being so difficult that my love for him would increase with every passing year. As my loved increased so did my wish to see him and my desire to snuggle inside his arms to receive his warmth. ( it’s just a wish obviously I can not ever imagine Allah SWT ).
So when I started reading Quran and its Tafseer, I understood the real purpose and beauty behind Jannah. Its the only place where you can see Allah SWT, and you can only see him if you make it to Jannah. We always underestimate Jannah’s importance, comparing it to this world, not knowing its not about reaching the milestone, but seeing the one whom you have loved blindly always wishing you could see him, like a guy wishes to see the girl behind a veil with all her beauty and modesty but can never see if he doesn’t marry her, then what about your Lord who has seen you, accepted you and loved you beyond your imagination with all your faults.
That’s what intrigues me about Jannah, to keep me going, even when it’s hard, knowing he is waiting there for me, with all his beauty and glory, the love of my life I have been so longing to see.