Life is mostly at two extremes and sometimes at normal temperature if we get lucky. Either you are torn apart and you don’t know what to do or you are so fed up that nothing in this world matters and makes it to your attention.
Either you want to let go so badly or you want to hold back tightly. You are always in a situation whether you like it or not.
For some it was a couple of years ago, for some it will be in the future, but for me it was in these past two years and still is. At first I couldn’t understand what happened but as time passed I realized it was Allah’s plan and no matter what I did, I could never escape it. So the thing I did after one year was to stop running from it, though I still do it today when I forget it is Allah’s plan and if it still doesn’t make any sense to me till today, he The Most- Knowledgeable definitely knows what he is doing. It took me sometime to realize though.
The plan was so difficult for me because it was a long tunnel and here and there I would see light thinking this is the end of the tunnel but each time I would find no end to it, the tunnel keeps getting long so I have stopped looking for the end now. One day it hit me that if the tunnel wasn’t ending, there must be something in the tunnel I need to see. So when I looked I found what I wasn’t seeing all along and just looking for ways to reach the end. I needed to learn to walk in the tunnel, I needed to stay in the dark so it stopped frightening me when I see it again in my life, I had to know that I should keeping walking even if I see light or not because I am not here for eternity, it will for sure end whether with the situation or if my time is up, in both ways it will come to an end. I had to get accustomed to it because there will be so many dark tunnels in this life before I reach the eternal light of Jannah, so I should pray more and more but not worry too much about reaching the end of the tunnel because there would be so many things I need to see, experience and learn so many people to meet before I reach the end of the tunnel and this particular journey ends.
I always thought about how I will find the solution, when that day will come when this soul burdening sadness will leave me, when I’ll be so happy both internally and externally because no matter what I did and where I went, I could never find escape either running towards it or running from it. They both exhausted me and my soul was tired. Every now and then something would pop up and I will think now this problem will end, I used to make so much dua but every time I would go forward with faith of this situation ending it always got worse and more unbearable. I would think and think then ask myself why it isn’t ending, why it isn’t getting resolved. How it will ever end, I would think of some weak solutions and hoping for big miracles that will resolve it but trust me the more it got harder the more my solutions vanished in front of my eyes leaving me no clue how will I ever get out of this trial.
The more I tried to take control over it, the more it got out of my hand. I cried my eyes out to Allah thinking of every possible dua and buttering I could use to ask Allah to help me and get me out of this misery. Until one day it completely got out of my hand, that day I realized it was never in my hand ever. It was always in his hand and it is him who will heal these scars.
The shock was so severe it was miserably hard to bear. I was so sure he will help me that I never expected that hurtful outcome of my situation which was right in front of me and I didn’t know what to do, but what I did wasn’t expected of me either. I surrendered to Allah’s will. I didn’t question his decree, I cried my heart out but I recited Inna Lilahey Wa Inna Elaihi Rajeoun and said Allah will give me much better than that. My heart was beating with pain so unbearable I didn’t know how to breath but he blew an air of calmness I couldn’t understand how but I was fine. I opened Quran in desperation for an answer and was relieved when found Surah Yousaf, where Yaqoob AS said “who despairs of Allah’s mercy “.
He said, “I only complain of my suffering and my grief to Allah , and I know from Allah that which you do not know. ” [12:86]
“O my sons, go and find out about Joseph and his brother and despair not of relief from Allah . Indeed, no one despairs of relief from Allah except the disbelieving people.” [12: 87]
and my restless heart was at rest as if it found home.
I knew I had to keep directing my pain and suffering towards Allah telling him I feel horrible and its really painful, the circumstances hurt alot and I do not know what to do, I do not see a way but knowing that he knows what I know from him only, he will keep his promise as he always does. So I kept telling him everything whatever emotion I felt because when I used to scroll between his names my phone screen it used to stop at As- Sami & Mujeeb. The one who hears & The one who responds.
In keep struggling and holding on to him, then began the journey of more painful nights and mindless days when it was so hard to even think what i’ll do after eating breakfast. I was dragging myself through life hoping everyday that there must be a solution that this pain ends because it seems like it ain’t gonna end ever. The temperature of my situation was increasing because now I could see nothing ahead of me, nothing to give me hope, nothing to make me motivated to live. Everything seemed so difficult and unbearable to pursue. Job hunting and voluntary work everything was relentlessly difficult even teaching couldn’t get the hold of me.
There were days when the stove was low so there wasn’t much mood swings but on other days it was so high I would go to dinners and weddings feeling fresh and bright and would come home sobbing and melting.
Until one day when excessively going from high flame to low and low flame to high I was so mentally exhausted that by crying from pain and crying for the relief from pain would cause me migraine attacks that I would not even make dua with tears going down my face and would have to hold on to my emotions as excessive crying would again cause attacks making my already hard life more difficult. So I would stop my heart from being so overly sensitive for the throbbing pain and would make dua ritually.
After this repetitive roller coaster ride of looking for the light in my dark tunnel Allah finally gave me a literal example of what was happening and what he was actually doing to me and it came in such an under rated though one of my favorite places that I could barely comprehend how Allah decided to teach me in such a simple way.
One day my mother asked me to boil an egg for her for the breakfast as she prefers boiled over fried but I love the later one. I was in the kitchen preparing my breakfast and doing some dishes while I put the egg in a pot for boiling, I usually boil it for eight minutes and rest assured it is always boiled perfectly though a little hard for my taste. So as I was doing my dishes and time was passing I look over and saw that the egg has broken a little bit and there was a deep crack in it which was quite visible even the egg was boiling on high flame. I though to myself ” Wow it again broke, either something is wrong with the egg or with the pot, it always keeps cracking midway and I was sad about the fact that I can’t give my mother a proper boiled egg but rather a cracked and split egg. As the time was up I turned off the stove but then kept the egg in the water and kept doing my things thinking meanwhile the egg will cool down so I can peel off easily and give it to my mother. You can say while doing my stuff I actually forgot about the egg. A few minutes later, when I returned to the kitchen, to my surprise something else had happened to the egg. When I went back to take the egg out of the pot to peel it, I was shocked to see the egg and what had happened to it. The crack was no where to be found, the surface of the egg was clean from all side like there was no crack ever and right then and there it hit me. It clicked in such a perfect way, I could no longer remain ignorant to it.
The fact that I was never able to understand was made clear to me in such a simple way that there can be no better teacher than him. He gave me the reason for my pain and he even showed my my pain, how I was being torn apart and how difficult it was to bear.
I realized I was being boiled like an egg on such a high temperature that I was continuously being torn apart like an egg. From slow flame to medium and then high my situation was getting worse and worse as the temperature rose that it cracked me like it cracked the egg, the scar was as deep on my heart as it was on the egg that it de-shaped it but when the egg boiled it became something different. It became what it was not in the beginning. The one gloopy liquid had now become a solid substance which can be modified in various ways according to so many usages and desires having a unique versatility to itself. It became what it needed to become in order to survive and then to get out of that pot eventually. It was an other version of the same egg which was more beautiful and appreciable, more loved as well. Only be becoming something different and better that it could survive in that pot and has to stay there until its the perfect time to get out and by laying there even after being boiled it gets accustomed to it which transforms it so beautifully that it vanishes its scar and only by doing so it gets to the point of coming out of the pot.
Such a small but precise and exact depiction of my pain and situation. Allah showed me I needed that stir after calmness, my life needed a temperature I was not used to in order to become something I could never think of becoming and in that process I will have some heartbreaks and sad incidents which will leave such deep scars I would almost think they can never be removed and will never disappear. But he showed me that in this journey of passing through this tunnel looking for the light, I will become what I needed to become even if it cracks me so deeply and give me bleeding wounds but if I just make it through having faith in him that he is doing it for my best and keep going, he will lower the temperature and eventually turn off the stove and when I would have spent the time I needed to spend in this tunnel, he will heal me like no other, like he healed that egg, even though when I looked so closely at the egg, I could see only a mere line of that crack not really visible to the eye, it showed me that he will heal me too and only him and I will know about that scar, but he will remove it so perfectly like it was never there.
Looking back at that heart breaking outcome and me uttering Inna Lilahey Wa Inna Elaihi Rajeoun was not what I expected of me. I always wondered after seeing Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan’s video about this particular ayah and thought who would be those people of Inna Lillahay Wa Inna Elaihi Rajeoun, who always recited this from their heart never doubting Allah’s will not knowing that one day it will be me. So whoever knows his Lord’s strength and the power of his words will know he that his Lord’s promise is indeed true and will see it in the near future. Ameen
He chose me as he chooses all of us to go through endurance, through pain to attain Sabr (patience). Sabr is not easy to attain and when you attain he heals you like no other would and removes the scar like it was never there.
For your curiosity here is that special egg who changed my perspective.