I know its late… But I’ll try to sum it up and make up to you with something on my mind, not just something random but actually which has been on my mind for years.
I couldn’t post last week because I was shifting from my old house to a new one which took a lot of my time and I’m still busy with it but I didn’t want to miss one more week and even though I had some posts previously written I wanted to save them for some other time because they require my subtle mind and not preoccupied one. So for the compensation I thought I should give you something to ponder over as I make my way to sleeping early this week.
Sleeping early comes from habit making, a habit I had almost 8 years ago which then I completely ruined in the later years when I moved to Pakistan for higher studies which affected my life in various ways including my sleeping pattern too. I have become a night owl even though I didn’t want to. I used to wake up at 4.45 or 5 am for school and college which kept me in good health but now as the years have passed my disturbed sleeping pattern has gifted me a disturbing life problem in the form of migraine which makes me cringe every time I think of it. I take medicines, use all kind of tips and remedies but nothing helps and if I get an attack it ends up ruining whole of my day as I’m unable to do anything and just trying to sleep to cool my eyes and sooth my mind.
Wondering about this painful experience which I even had today and a day earlier got me into thinking how by changing one thing against my nature has made me fall into a health problem then what about all those other things which would have destroyed or somehow affected my life badly over these past 8 years when I went to Pakistan with the ambition of studying film making and making a huge career out of it eventually winning the Oscars (yeah I wanted to win an Oscar in feature for Pakistan). But little by little as other things got into my life and grasped my attention some useful and most of them useless ended up consuming my passion for writing and for making movies which I chose solely because I always wanted to show the real face and image of Pakistan and Islam. As time passed all of that disappeared from my focus and some useless desires and meaningless relations became the focus making me forget why I came here.
When that phase ended, I realized those things weren’t worth it. The reality punched me in the face with the fact that I have wasted four years doing things that didn’t bring me happiness (even though I thought so) but rather pain and loss of confidence. I did complete my degree in Film making but I realized I could have done so much more if I had given it a thought of why I feel passionless because in pleasing others and making others happy I had lost that passion in me which once used to drive me crazy. I was mad about creating and writing stories and now I hadn’t even written more than two to three things in those four years. I realized I have made a mistake and went back to Pakistan and started working in a Production house with a renowned Film director and writer. Coming back and seeing things as compared to what they used to be changed my perspective. Those things and people who used to be a big part of my life were no longer there. The fear of how I will get along and make new friends, the fear of doing everything on my own as there was no one to depend on, starting everything from the scratch be it a friendship or relation, work or entering a new environment scared me making me feel I was not strong enough. Places I used to go to started haunting me with the fear and guilt of how much I’ve lost and how much time I have wasted.But what I didn’t realize was to stand up again on my own I had to fall miserably, this is the reason why all of this happened. Allah designed it for me so I would recognize my own strength. The journey was tough but he made it easy. People I hadn’t talked to in months became my strengths and courage when I needed to stand. When I expected least from them, they became the wall to defend me when I didn’t even ask. Meeting new people, going to new places, exploring inwardly and outwardly opened ways for me to know more. It was a new but a different kind of a beginning, not knowing where you are headed but going on anyway.
The pain of choosing so much wrong for myself still kept with me but Allah forgave me for those decisions and compensated it with a great best friend I still have today. Even though she was from my university we never clicked in university. I knew her but never really thought of her or you can say not even bothered with her much and she didn’t care for me either. But in that summer of 2013 when I was going through a trough and couldn’t make sense of what was happening with my life she came as a cool breeze of wind in that hot summer weather. It doesn’t always have to be a guy to get you head over heals and make you crazy sometimes a girl friend turned into a best friend can do that too. It didn’t occur to me at that time but now when I look back at these past eight years it makes sense why Allah didn’t make her my best friend in university but in the later years when I had done my Bachelor’s degree and I needed it the most. He made us meet somewhere totally unexpected and we bonded with each other in such a way that the problems that I had to face in coming years were only to be understood by her because she had been through something same. She became the positive energy and my strength when there was no other friend who could relate to my situations or understand my problems. Thats when I realized Allah is Al-Aziz he is dominant over everything even when you think why would Allah care, he not only cares but helps you through it. When I could no longer understand the reasons for my sufferings and pain, he helped me in the form of her friendship, which I could only discuss with her, she would listen to me and guide me that this pain is for the eternal good, the everlasting crown that you will wear on the day of judgment when you will be going to Jannah. She told me to hold on to my rope of Allah tightly when I thought he has abandoned me or is angry with me for mistakes I have done and for the time I have wasted. She encouraged me to keep going even with bare feet when its hard to run towards him because he will guide me in this dessert of hopelessness. She pushed me not to give up on my dreams and my aspirations because I still have the time to change because death has not befallen yet and my time is not up.
Yes death is the thing we fear the most and it has not come, the destroyer of happiness is around the corner but if it hasn’t hit you yet, you still got time. She made me understand time is just the game in your mind. If you still want to make a change in your life leading up to making those dreams come true then age or time is no barrier and any time is the best time when you stop moaning on the loss and start taking action making that year whatever it may be 15,16 or for now 2017 the best year of your life when you decided to be a better version and portrayal of yourself even if that be 0.5% as someones said slow progress is the real progress because it is consistent.
I know a lot of time has been wasted, a lot of years has gone but whats not gone is you. I know we are not the same person we were a few years ago or even the person we were last year. But if you still worry and care that this is not what you wanted to be, this is not how you wanted to live your life, this is not how you imagined it, this is not how you wanted to end up like, this is not the legacy you wanted to leave behind (meaning not leaving any legacy behind) then that means you can still change, you can still make your way up and reach high, even if you won’t reach the higher end you can still leave this ground with the will to go up, just leave this puddle of mud and lead yourself to a better place.
What keeps us alive and going is the will. The will of living a happy life, a satisfactory life, a life that has a meaning, a life that will help us get a good grade on the day of judgment if some of us still care and this will is fueled by the hope. The hope that someday we will change, the hope that someday it won’t be the same, the hope that we will live the life we always wanted to live, the hope that we will achieve what we once thrived for and lived for. So If you have that hope in you, your will is not lost, you just need to cut off the meaningless strings attached to you, which are just pulling you and weighing you down, refraining you from becoming what you ought to become. If you still care it means you can still do.
It’s late but it’s not the end. According to Islamic history men reached their youth in their forties. Many prophets were given their prophet hood when they reach their forties so if your still like me in their twenties or a bit way up in your experience you are still in your teens making your way up to your youth thats when you are most mature and sound in your experience and knowledge. So don’t worry if some years has passed by may be they passed so that you could realize you have a life to live. A legacy to leave. You can do so much more than you think you could.
Now looking back at those years I do not say that in the longer run they were all useless relations and desires because at that time thats what made me happy and it was what seemed like I wanted but sometimes you have to see the worse in order to appreciate better. If given a chance I would not want to change anything because I cherished those moments and they now made me realize that I am not something I thought I was. I am not PERFECT and not only I realized that but I learnt that I shouldn’t try to be perfect either. Perfection is for something greater than us which we are not. It goes with Allah SWT not with his slaves. I ought to make mistakes. That’s how I am going to learn. My mistakes do not DEFINE me they REFINE me. They are what I am made of.
So if you think you are late I am going to leave you with these pictures to look at and to think about, because if the last year or years were not your years nobody said that the life ahead of you does not stand a chance because of that history. If you failed and kept on failing it means that history repeated itself until you learnt your lesson and I believe that I now have learnt mine so I am ready to dive in to new me with a passion not lost but rebuilt. Sometimes you need to lose something in order to get it back so you know it’s worth. So stop moaning over what cannot be changed and start creating which can lead you to what you have been waiting for, because remember it’s not late because you do not deserve it, it’s late because you needed to learn something.